Escapades

Today I would like to tell you a somewhat amusing story of the mother in law. This little old lady is quite prominent in our lives, and is in fact a holy terror just waiting to get loose! To top it all she is now 81yrs young and there is still no holding her down.

Mother is 5 foot nothing in stocking feet, slim and weighs in at 100lbs wet, a color of hair that changes like the weather and is just as unpredictable. She also appears like most little old ladies, as if butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth. A sheer picture of innocence if you will, don’t let that fool you though. She is also as free as a bird, being a widow now for some little time. One of the things that really amazes me and I still have difficulty believing it, is where does she get all this get up and go. She has so much energy she can put most people half her age to shame.

Like a lot of women, she loves to go shopping and also likes to eat at the local fish & chip shop once in a while, especially if we are with her.
Don’t get me wrong though, for mother really does like her food and especially when she eats out. One of her favorite pastimes is restaurant hopping and good food with a glass of a reputable wine, she likes a dessert at times. However; she has this uncanny habit of being able to alienate everyone by complaining about the slightest thing I.E. Maybe she saw a spot on the flatware or table cloth, food not hot enough, you get the general idea.
We finally get to the point that when our food arrives we all end up, viewing it with suspicion. (Think about it!) This happens frequently and yet she seems nonplussed by it all, now we much prefer to eat at home! She also has this other insatiable appetite for men! No man is safe around her, heck one time we took her to ER for a dislocated finger and she put the hit on the doctor!

Another time we were out at a restaurant and Mother had this guy with her who she had dated for a little while. The problem with this trip was, they both are hard of hearing and yet they both have hearing aids and refuse to turn them up.
As a consequence all us are screaming at each other so as to be heard. So not only did we make a spectacle of ourselves, mom complained yet once again. As a result a sudden deathly silence descended, as the food arrived, for we were too scared to even look at it.

Let me tell you about her other favorite pastime. Mother is always on the lookout for a man and not just any man at that. This man must wine and dine her, take her to theatres, also on trips and most importantly know his way around the bedroom!
SHE’S 81!

It comes as no surprise that she nearly always scares the poor guys away before the romance even gets started. One of her first questions to the guy is, "do you need Viagra?" Or even at times sending them to the doctor to get a prescription for the Juicer! LOL

I almost fell off my chair the first time I heard that, and the expression on a guys face SHEER Panic! Take to the hills!! So then it’s on to the next guy. Once in a while we hear she has snared one and then, a few days later as he bites the dust, we get the call do we know any men on the internet? (please don’t email me!)

Then there was the time that she lost her drivers license. She had been in an accident and clipped a van before crashing through a grocery store plate glass window, then ended up in the eight items or less express checkout! Quite promptly the fire dept and police arrived, the fireman who was lifting her out of the car looked at her and said Aunt Vi !is that you? She said Clifford! And grinned like it was a family reunion. Wouldn’t you know it, she was unscathed.

It turns out that the van after being clipped, then hit a man pushing a shopping cart, who happened to have a heart condition, he was this only one to end up in the hospital.

The very next day, this sweet little old lady who wouldn’t even burn your toast showed up at the hospital, bearing flowers and get well gifts for fear it seems of being sued! He was not a happy camper!

One week later she was back at the grocery store IN DISGUISE would you believe, because she really liked that particular grocery store. The manager however; recognized her and gave her a bunch of 8X10 colour glossy photos that he had taken of the accident. She smiled demurely, accepting the evidence.

Later she would show them off as her “press clippings” along with the newspaper write up. Undaunted, she proceeded to try for her license again.
Get This! In seven different towns no less, until she was finally successful. Fortunately for the rest of the grocery stores and their patrons, the resulting hike in the insurance kept her from driving again.

Go get em Mother! We love ya! ……. C’ya